Biography

Title: Biography Activity premise: So I thought it'd be fun if we tried to give Ronnie the same treatment. Method: narrated fictional life with improvised testimony and closing words Rules: So can we just make comments that have nothing to do with what I said? I mean, it went against the point, but that's still okay. Brad just said a different thing. It's just totally unrelated. Activity description: They told the life stories of famous people, and yes, it was somewhat dry. And I thought, what better than our podcast but something boring and dry? So the reason I wanted to do this, as we discussed a few times, Wendy Malick, who plays Ronnie, also played Nita Van Hoard on the show Just Shoot Me. She played a has-been supermodel, and in one very strange episode of that show, they actually, the entire episode was a mock episode of biography about that character. So I thought it'd be fun if we tried to give Ronnie the same treatment. You have a weird idea of fun. Can I just say the only caveat being, on the Just Shoot Me version, they had the real host, and we have Curtis. Who I don't know if he's playing the host. I don't know either, man. Ronnie Lawrence is remembered as one of Seattle's funniest and most charming lounge singers of the early aughts. But her life, well celebrated, was also filled with strife and struggle. Still, her spirit was never broken, even when circumstances took her to the brink of disaster. Tragedy struck Ronnie early in her career. She landed her dream gig as the drug mule pianist for a local drug cartel. Before she could play her first show, the drug cartel was busted. All members of the cartel were investigated. While no wrongdoings were found in Ronnie's case, they did manage to uncover her ardent love for crochet. Obviously, this news was a blackball for Ronnie in the drug mule pianist industry. Yeah, when I was working with Ronnie, I had to be the drug mule. She crocheted the most comfortable buttholsters for... That cocaine. That bitch stole all my money. I used to be a banker at Bank of America, and I was making millions of dollars, and she spindled me out of $100,000. I invested in her piano business that wasn't even a real business. So can we just make comments that have nothing to do with what I said? Is that how this works? Mine kind of related. Yours was fine. I mean, it went against the point, but that's still okay. Brad just said a different thing. It's just totally unrelated. Brad, you want to try another shot at that, baby? That's fine. Okay. Wait, wait, we should give Vitt a shot. Oh yeah, Vitt. You're still here. I got nothing for that one. All right, listen to mine, and then you should have something. I heard yours. Yours was horrible. No, no, you're not. No, no, not even close. Okay, thanks, Vittali. To understand her path here, we have to start at the very beginning. Ronnie was born in 19-something-something to Melinda and Stephen. She was the second of four children. She was born in the quaint town of Jupiter, Florida. At the age of six years old, her family moved to Seattle so her dad could get a job with the Seattle Seahawks as a strength and conditioning coach. Ronnie's parents did not play piano at all, but they saw the investment in love and what her daughter had when she heard music. So her daughter began training with a man named Lucas Von Trapp. Lucas Von Trapp was a very shady man and the first person to ever expose her to drugs and alcohol. She liked them so much, she got a job as a babysitter, which is where she met Dr. Fraser Crane, who would go on to become one of Seattle's number one radio hosts. Yes, I am Lucas Von Trapp, and I am here to say that I thought of all the people that I have taught, Ronnie was the most attractive. I never trusted Lucas Von Trapp. It's anyone, to be fair, with the Von Trapp last name. You just can't trust. They're fleers. We know that. But Lucas, it wasn't the drugs so much. It was that look. He, like, looked through you. I didn't like it. And I didn't like it for Ronnie. Yes, I've gotten that many times, and it's fair. I'm sorry, are we having a conversation? Are you sitting right next to me? Keep going with that. Let's do that. Yes, that is fair. I really shouldn't be trusted. You really shouldn't. I one time gave you my bank account. Next day, gone. I do. I've thanked you many times. Yeah, but it wasn't the gift. It was still gracious. It wasn't great. You told me. It's fine. It's fine. We're talking Ronnie. Beautiful woman. Yeah. I mean, she was, what, 17 when you were in her care? But yeah, sure. Whatever. She worked her way up through show business and clubs and lounges, singing the big rooms and the small. Sometimes, just to a single lonely barfly. Hi. I'm the lonely barfly. I would go around to each venue that she would be at, just drinking and staring at her. I really liked her. And, you know, she really inspired me. Now, did you think maybe the problem was that you were a barfly? I assume we're still sitting next to each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was just really lonely and creepy, but she really inspired me with her music. Why are you saying was? You're clearly still creepy. You're a barfly. Yeah. But now I've moved on to other musicians and stuff. Which, who are you following now? Miranda Cosgrove. You know what? She is great. Barfly out. Deep voice for the barfly announcer. I think that barfly was a man. But by the fall of 1991, he had been discovered. It was a man named Mustafa Greenai. And he would become her manager. And her first husband. Ronnie was to the piano as chicken was to Long John Silvers. Just a real hidden gem. I could just, I could just tell by the way she tended bar. That girl was built to tickle the ivories. The key to her success? That flat D. Never seen anything like it. Is that a boob joke? Sorry. It's supposed to be a piano joke. It's supposed to be D flat. That was a... It's supposed to be the key to her success was that D flat. He got her a record deal. And she recorded and released it. Only to find out after the fact that the marketing plan for the album was to stand outside a McDonald's in Vegas or Times Square. Insisting strangers take the CD. And then demand money once they do. The album flopped almost instantly. And it also ruined their marriage. I actually thought it was a good plan. McDonald's marketing scheme. It's like, you know, Ronnie's a go-getter. I think she can go out and pedal to the streets. Saves you a lot of money in marketing. Couldn't believe it failed. Still not sure what went wrong. Inflicting police reports. Mysterious circumstances. The truth behind the untimely death of Ronnie may never be fully revealed. But the theories abound. It was clear her mistrust in very, very bad men led to her downfall. Shortly after that McDonald's fateful marketing plan, she was then murdered by a homeless man named Dr. Fraser Craig, former Seattle's finest. In closing, the bar flag kills Ronnie. Like, come on. The world will certainly miss her presence and all that she brought to this dreary place we call planet Earth. Perilescent. Translucent. Lascivious. Magutary. Slutty. Bet, certainly you can chime in on this one. It's just a word. Say a word. Any word. Hot. Hot. Are you saying half of a word on purpose? I said hot. Oh, hot. It sounded like you were saying hot. No, I was saying hot. Okay. Final phrase attribution: Who introduces the fictional Biography exercise?: Curtis